I was sitting at the supper table tonight with what someone recently referred to as "the herd" and then "the flock" and I finally suggested maybe "the family" was the word he was looking for, calling them all lovingly by the wrong names and begging them to use their manners when they ate. I was doing supper alone, because Jason is MIA for tonight at least and possibly the remainder of the week. (which would be great because it's whitesheet and piles of $$) Anyway, there was a picture of Trae's tiny little feet when he was newborn and it got me to thinking, how did I even get to this place? How did I get to be the mother of 4 amazing kids? I somehow have 3 sons and a daughter, how lucky am I. No matter what, I will always have been the mother to my children and the wife to my husband, no matter what. Sometimes I love them so much it breaks my heart. I suppose I love them so much all the time, but when I take the time to ponder just how intense it is, my heart just hurts because I have no idea how long I get to keep them, or if I'll be around to see them grow and have families of their own. I get to be the one to answer the tough questions, like "where do Ninja's live...?" (anyone know?)

I have no idea when it became socially unacceptable to have more than, say, one or two kids, but frankly if you have that opinion and disapprove of our choice (and it was a conscious one) to have 4 kids, do me a favor and keep that little gold nugget to yourself. I am starting to get very offended because everytime I turn around someone is commenting about how I have to many kids. What I'd love to say to them is "If I had to choose one to have never known, who do you think I should choose?" Because I cannot imagine my life any different and know that without any one of them our story would be so different and our lives so incomplete. I don't care what you do in your family...have one, have 2, have a dozen...just stop making it seem like my children wouldn't be missed if we hadn't been blessed with them. We love our kids and hearing your off handed comments and "jokes" about "not knowing what causes pregnancy" are rude and insensitive, and to me feels like you're just saying that any one of our children could be missing and the world would not be changed. Better yet, that the world would be better off with out them. Please and thank you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to tuck them in.

6 months

you are one amazing little guy...i love you so much!

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