3.18.2009

Edward

Yesterday I took Archer in for his 6 month well baby visit. Our pediatrician, Edward, is awesome and quite a cutie for an older guy. I took my mom along because I have the weird thing with the needles. We started out the visit with a major blowing out of the diaper...well actually, he didn't even manage to blow it out the diaper, it managed to seep through somehow. I took him out of his seat and he has a poop spot about 4 inches below where his diaper ended on his back. Figure that one out....anyway, the cranky nurse that looks like she's in middle school yet, managed to glove up and collect all the contaminated items and put them in a biohazard bag for me. The thing is though, for some reason my prowess at changing a diaper (I mean c'mon by the 4th baby it's old hat, plain and simple) went completely MIA and I kept getting baby diarrhea everywhere. We had it on the paper they use to protect the exam table, but Archer kept squirming his way back onto it, thus smearing it around more on the paperand back onto his body. Finally, I ripped it off and threw it in the trash, but then the fecal residue that was still up his back went directly on the exam table....little miss teeny bopper was super impressed. She got out her Super Duper Pooper Spray (don't worry, I will not try to publish that) and sanitized the area (thank goodness because I was really worried that my baby was rolling around in other baby excrement) and then put new paper down. She got him measured (28 inches...90%) and then we took him to the scale for a weight. (19 1/2 pounds...75%) She told us Edward would be in momentarily.

In walks Ed, looking all doctorish and handsome. He reminds me of the Kendoll of the Beast, from Beauty and the Beast. He has longish, dark hair, and very dark brown eyes. He is an amazing doctor, and totally does not look like an Edward. Just sayin'....

Moving on...

Just as we started to discuss if I had any concerns, (no) my mom interjects by saying "Excuse me, do you mind if I ask you a personal quesion....?" and my heart does on bad drop. I'm trying to give the the "please don't ask about fat pads* or turteling penises* mom, please..." look. She smiles all sweet and ignores the look, that is if she even saw it, and then goes into her questioning.

Sweet Mom: "So, do you like, cut your eyebrows?"

Edward: "Haha...I don't cut them, but I do wax them. I'm kind of metrosexual like that, and I actually like to have them waxed...except the part right here (motions underneath the eyebrow) that really hurts, but the rest I like."

Sweet Mom: "Well, they look really nice, they're so perfect..."

Me: (dying of embarrassment) "Mom....I have to see this man again...he's like, our doctor and all, please do not embarrass the man...."

Edward: "No, it's okay, I'm not embarrassed...I am a metrosexual, so it's all good. I don't mind if people ask, obviously I have something done" He's not arrogant at all, seriuosly. Just knows he looks good. I really like him because I saw him in the mall once picking out perfume for his wife and I thought he was sweet after that.

Me: "I like to wax peoples eyebrows..." SHUT UP, Amber...he's going to think you want to wax his eyebrows, which would just be weird. Of course, so is his love of having them done, and your love of waxing eyebrows. I mean, it is really kind of a fetish...

They go back and forth about waxing and metrosexuality, while I sit there thanking all thats good that we are discussing eyebrows instead of the peek-a-boo penis.*


We decide to get on with the visit and I just keep chuckling nervously because I'm all stressed out about the needles that will be jabbed into my childrens thighs (Trae needed a booster shot as well) and now we are discussing my cute pediatricians grooming habits. I secretly wonder if he'll charge for that...and I'm pretty sure that his long locks are actually plugs, because when he bent over to check the baby, it looked like he had some patchy spots. They must be the really expensive ones because his hair is rather silky. Must be spending all his money on keeping himself up because he told me last week that they used Luv's for their kids because they were cheaper. I was a little shocked...nothing against Luv's, except that they give my kids a rash so I can't use them, I was just surprised a doctor would use an off brand diaper.

As it turns out, Archer is right on target with his development. We were advised that we could move on to soft table foods like toast and cheerios and bread. We bid farewell to Edward and my sweet mother held the kids down for their shots while I waited in the hallway.

>>>>>Side note: I am a needle phobe for anyone new to the blog and rather then me pass out or hyperventilate during the shots, I shirk the duty off onto my Mom. I figure they'll be less scarred by the shots themselves and my absence to be there with them, than if I pass out and they have to watch on and wait for me to come to. (Someday maybe I will do a post on how my body feels leading up to and during anything to do with needles and blood, so you can understand the extent of my fear here. I have been told many times "no one like needles", just to pass out on the nurse and then when I come to, she says "I guess you really don't like needles..." Thankfully I'm to shaky at that point to punch her out )

We went to Atlanta Bread for lunch and of course we fed the little guy some bread. It is h.i.l.a.r.i.o.u.s. He gags and retches and makes all these screwed up faces, and then begs for more. Maybe I'll post a video someday, or not, we'll see.

* A peek-a-boo, or turteling penis....how can I explain...? So when baby boys are really chubby, of course they are chubby everywhere. Edward always comments on the "fat pad" which is the chub above the penis, that makes the little guy go in...like a turtle, until he loses some baby fat and then the little guy pokes out again. Common in babies circumcised or not, and they do outgrow it, so as not to be embarrassed about this post if you ever read it. I still get all offended when Edward says they have a fat pad though.

11 comments:

Mindy said...

awww, come on babies are supposed to have fat pads. the fatter the better i say. my baby is only in the 25% for weight though. i find it quite strange since my others were fattys....

Neisha said...

never heard of turtleing or fat pads.

Amber said...

Neisha: You probably had a skinny boy. :0)

Mindy: I agree on the chubby thing, I love chubby babies.:0)

Ben, Heather & kids said...

John went in yesterday for his 18 mos. Our appt was quite dull compared to yours! John is quite 'chubby' also.. so we know what you're talking about! ;)
Your Mom cracks me up...I can hear her saying that with her sweet, innocent smile! :)

Alaina said...

You like to wax eyebrows? I'll be right over!!!

Amber said...

Alaina: I love it, come on over!

Suz said...

hahaha, thats hilarious.
first that he was hot and second that your mom said that.

and i'll agree with alaina..i'm coming over to get an eyebrow wax!

Cheri said...

i'd like to join the eyebrow waxing party!!!!

Cheri said...

i'd like to join the eyebrow waxing party!!!!

Shannon said...

hysterical!!! i'm a tweezer though...can't stand the grow-out necessary for waxing.

Shannon said...

oh yeah, we have a turtle penis over here too....with a giant squishy fat pad. =)

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